I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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