Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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