I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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