Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
