He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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