he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
