I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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