my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
