I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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