you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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