took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
