i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
