I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
