got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
