I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
