take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize