Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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