we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
