you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
