I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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