I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
