No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I have grass duct taped all over my body
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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