I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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