How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
