omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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