Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
