: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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