So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
