oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
