Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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