I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
