I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
