Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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