I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
