I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
