Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
