She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize