It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
