If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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