the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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