I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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