my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
