Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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