Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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