i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
