I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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