I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
