hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize