I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
