my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
