Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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