i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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