i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
