tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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