even my farts smell like vagina
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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