you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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