I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
