I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
