Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
