can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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