Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
