pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
