Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
