in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize