I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
