Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
