We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
